All posts from www.holytaco.com

(4:10pm) I f*ckin' hate weddings. Why do people feel the need to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a fancy party just so that everyone knows they're in love? Shouldn't we have gotten the point when you dated eachother for three years? And if we were somehow stupid enough to not get that you two were into eachother, shouldn't we have gotten the hint when you got engaged? Didn't I go out drinking and partying with you guys the weekend after you got engaged? Everyone here already knew that you guys were in love, so what's with the extravagent party? Let's just get through the boring God part, say your stupid vows and get to the two magic words that everyone's waiting to hear: open bar.

 
(5:08pm) Phew. I'm glad that's over with. It's time to get my drink on.  Let's see: it's a little after 5 now, so that means that they'll probably start serving dinner around 6 or so.  That's almost a solid hour of drinking time before I have to slow down and eat. I bet I can down 8 Jack n' Cokes before the meal's even ready.  Normally I wouldn't have such an insatiable appetite for booze, but this particular wedding happens to be inhabited by two distinct categories of people: a) people I don't know at all, and b) people I used to be friends with and currently hate. I already know that I'm going to say something terrible to most of the people here.  I just have to get wasted so that I can blame it on "liquid courage" later, and that way I'll avoid having to apologize too much in the future.  Okay, liver, game on.
 

 
(6:30pm) Oh my f*ckin' god, dude. These f*ckin' mashed potatoes are delicious. Can you get seconds at a wedding? I need another drink anyway, and the f*ckin' mashed potatoes are on the way to the bar, so I'll just swing by and find out. 
 
(6:40pm) Well, Jack n' Coke, you did me good so far tonight, but I'm switchin' to Gin n' Tonics for awhile.  They just make me feel more sphophisticated, y'know? Why the f*ck am I carrying this plate around? And who put so many f*ckin' stairs in this place? This is outreagius! I can't be the only one seeing this.  It's like, "hey, stuppid banquet room that this wedding is in, make a deshishion: all stairs or no stairs, okay?" None of this halfway stuff. There's all this flat ground around here, and then thesef*ckn' stairs come out of nowhere! F*ck you stairs! I bet I could throw this plate all the way across the room like a discus. Whoooosh!
 

 
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It's mustache March and that means mustache madness! Let the great March mustache race begin!
 

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We're all in good hands.
 

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Ok, so there's more than 25. Who's really counting anyway? Not us.
 

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There have been a lot of weird news stories popping up over the past week, so we decided to cover all of them in the best way possible: by making a fake Weekly World News-style magazine cover to emphasize how ridiculous these stories seem, and then providing you with a link to the source article below to prove that they are, in fact, real news stories.  Oh, Friday, you really bring out the best in all of us, don't you?
 

 
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The cameras placed on roller coasters capture some of the most perfect and precious moments in life, these are just a few hilarious ones.
 

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Back to the Future: Part 1 is one of my all-time favorite movies of all time.  Sure, it's ripe with paradox and fallacies of logic, but somehow these elements seem to make the movie even better, and that's exactly why it's such a good film.  Like a butterface girl who gives incredible HJ's, the film is full of flaws, but it keeps you coming back for more time and time again. This also makes it a great movie to over-analyze, which happens to be one of my hobbies, so here are 5 subtle implications made by BttF: Part 1 that merit some further discussion:
 
Doc Brown's 30-Year Fear of Atomic Apocalypse
 

 
Set Up
Shortly after arriving in 1955, Marty tracks down his old friend, Doc Brown, and after some convincing, Doc decides to help Marty get back to 1985, and the plot is successfully driven.  During their scheming, there's a short scene where Marty shows Doc the tape from his impossible-to-hook-up-to-a-1950's-TV video camera, which shows 1985 Doc explaining the time travel equipment.  While watching the video, Doc asks Marty what he's wearing, and Marty explains that it is a Radiation Suit.  1955 Doc quickly jumps to the conclusion that everyone wears Radiation Suits in the future because of all the atomic fallout from all of the A-bombs that have been dropped by the time 1985 rolls around. 
 
Implications
Marty never corrects Doc's assumption, so we can then assume that Doc will spend the next 30 years expecting an Atomic Apocalypse that he knows he'll survive, but he has no idea how it will come about.  Shouldn't this assumption have some affect on his actions and behaviors over the next 30 years, and therefore change the future in some way?  We already know that even the smallest change in the past can completely alter the course of history, so how would the "knowledge" of world-altering atomic wars change the future?  I know what you're thinking, and you're right: this is heavy. 
 
Marty Nearly Commits Suicide Through Sheer Forgetfulness
 

 
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Where You've Seen Her: If you like cars and hot girls who like cars, you already know who Courtney Hansen is.  For those of you who don't know who she is, she's the spokeswoman of Dodge and Rolls Royce and has hosted numerous car shows on cable, like Spike's Powerblock.  She's like a poor man's "Megan Fox's character from Transformers".
 
Pointless Quote: "Any guy I date has to be a car lover."
 
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If you're in the mood for some retarded photoshops this morning, then you've come to the right place.  Some celebrities look a lot like animals, so we decided to see what it would look like if they actually were the animals they so closely resemble:
 
Wilford Brimley as a Walrus

 
Rosie O'Donnell as a Woodchuck

 
Carrot Top as a Bobcat

 
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There doesn't seem to be any new "post worthy" videos on the internet today, so we give you one of our all time favorites: Segway Monkey!!
 
Joe Mauer is a Cheater [video] (Total Pro Sports)
A Unified Theory of Superman's Powers (Mademan)
45 Sexy Grid Girl Photos (AllLeftTurns)
Zombie Movie Survival Stats (ScreenJunkies)
Hot Girls And Their Facebook (TheChive)
How To Provoke Your Neighbor (TotallyCrap)
30 Truly Bizarre Family Photos (Manofest)
20 Things to Do on the Office Dry Erase Board (TheMinimumRage)
Olga Kobozina Is An International Babe (DoubleViking)
Rachel Steven's Calendar Hotness (HollywoodTuna)
How To Flip Your Truck (EvilChili)
Anna K In A Bikini (CelebSlam)
Hot Mannequins (Ehowa)
Elephant Goes On A Rampage (NothingToxic)
The Wall-E Sandwich Tastes Amazing (Walyou)
 

 
Where You've Seen Her: Marisa Miller has never been featured here on Holy Taco, which is really weird, because she's kind of a big deal.  She even had her own Sports Illustrated calendar earlier this year.  Did we mention how big of a deal she is?
 
Pointless Quote: "So, it's kind of a big deal.  This will result in more exposure, and hopefully new connections."
 
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A while back, we put together a pretty awesome Tom Brady Comic, and it's time for a second installment. Tom Brady has the most incredible, surreal life imaginable.  His baby mama is super hot actress Bridget Moynahan, and he's currently fathering another child with his wife (the hottest model in the entire world) Giselle Bundchen.  But being surrounded by all that hot ass will wear a man thin eventually, and it's only a matter of time before Tom Brady cracks...
 

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